The Mistaken Goal chart is one of the most valuable assets I have as a teacher. It gives me great advice on how to approach any new student I have, what problems they might be having, and how to address them. Dr. Jane Nelsen, a licensed marriage, family, and child counselor, and author of “Positive Discipline” made it and I have great respect for her. Her work has shaped parenting and classroom management strategies for decades, equipping countless educators and parents with practical, respectful methods to foster mutually respectful relationships with children.
Understanding the Chart (structure)
The “Mistaken Goal Chart” is structured with four main columns, each outlining a different element of behavior analysis:
“Mistaken Goal” identifies the four types of mistaken goals children often adopt, namely Undue Attention, Misguided Power, Revenge, and Assumed Inadequacy. These are the perceptions children develop when they feel disconnected or discouraged. They are mistaken goals because while the child believes they will create belonging and significance, they usually result in the opposite.
“Belief Behind the Goal” explains what children might be thinking or feeling that leads them to these mistaken goals. This understanding allows parents and educators to empathize with the child’s perspective and recognize the root of the behavior.
Adults Usually Respond and Feel” illustrates the typical adult reactions and feelings to each type of behavior. Recognizing these common patterns can help adults become more self-aware of their responses and the emotional reactions they might be experiencing.
“Proactive and Empowering Responses” provides suggestions for how adults can positively respond to these behaviors, fostering a better connection with the child and encouraging constructive behavior.
The four mistaken goals
The “Mistaken Goal Chart” is structured around four mistaken goals children often adopt, which are:
1. Attention: This is when a child acts out to gain attention, feeling that they only belong or are significant when they are the center of attention. These behaviors might manifest in constant interruption, showing off, or engaging in silly behavior that disrupts others.
2. Misguided Power: Here, a child may believe they only belong or are significant when they’re in control, leading them to be defiant or resistant. They might argue frequently, always wanting the last word, or habitually do the opposite of what they’re asked.
3. Revenge: This goal arises when a child feels hurt and wants others to feel that pain too. Their actions might include hurtful words, destructive behavior, or getting even when they feel wronged.
4. Assumed Inadequacy: In this case, a child might give up trying because they feel hopeless about succeeding. They may display a consistent lack of effort, give up easily, or not try new things for fear of failure.
How adults can make things worse.
The way adults typically respond to these mistaken goals can accidentally reinforce the undesirable behavior. For example, in response to a child seeking undue attention, an adult may initially react by providing the attention they want, thus encouraging the behavior. Some children will choose to do “naughty” things simply because they want some attention, even if it is angry or loud attention. This can easily make adults feel annoyed and frustrated. These negative feelings, while understandable, are a clue that the child’s behavior is working – they’re getting the attention that they want, even if it’s negative.
If the child’s goal is misguided power, adults often engage in power struggles. They may respond with threats or punishment, escalating the situation rather than defusing it. When adults react this way, they are confirming the child’s mistaken belief that they only belong or feel significant when they are in control or in conflict.
A child pursuing the mistaken goal of revenge may exhibit behaviors such as hurting others, using sarcasm, and seeking to run others’ fun. They might display this behavior because they feel deeply hurt and believe that the only way to belong or be significant is to hurt others because they themselves feel hurt.
There’s an old joke from a very old comic strip. A father is chasing his son out the door with a belt in hand.
Mother: “Don’t you think he’s had enough?” Father: “No, if I don’t give him a spanking now, he might never do it again.”
Adult responses can accidentally reinforce this mistaken goal of revenge. An adult might respond to these revenge-seeking behaviors with anger, punishment, or revenge of their own. Some parents don’t feel like a lesson has been learned until pain is involved. But really, children learned their lesson when the undesired behavior stops. Unfortunately, punishment often validates the child’s belief that they can only belong or feel significant when they are in conflict, which slowly increases the cycle of hurt and revenge.
Children exhibiting signs of assumed inadequacy might avoid challenges, give up easily, or display a pattern of not trying. This is especially true if it’s something new or they haven’t already displayed a lot of skill in this are before. They might fall into the background in group situations, or express feelings of helplessness. These children may feel deeply discouraged and believe that they can’t succeed, so they don’t even try.
Adult responses to these behaviors, although often well-meaning, can accidentally increase the child’s feelings of inadequacy. An adult may take over tasks the child finds challenging or stop asking them to do difficult activities. This reinforces the child’s belief that they can’t do it. Also, adults may express despair or hopelessness, which, although understandable, can increase the child’s feelings of discouragement and reaffirm their belief in their own inadequacy.
In many scenarios, it’s crucial for adults to step back, reassess their reactions, and aim to respond in a way that redirects the child towards more positive behaviors and beliefs. Adults must think about their feelings and responses. We need to understand that our emotional reaction is a sign pointing us to the child’s mistaken goal, and that we have the ability to respond differently, in a way that doesn’t reinforce these goals but redirects the child towards more positive behaviors.
Good Suggestions. How can adults positively support children?
1. Undue Attention
The child displaying undue attention-seeking behaviors requires validation and connection in positive and appropriate ways. Give kids positive attention, and do it often. Establish regular and meaningful interactions that show your interest and care. A child does not need to disrupt to be noticed. Be proactive in providing attention before they feel the need to demand it.
Good guiding questions:
“[That other person] sure gets a lot of attention. How does that make you feel?”
“We don’t need to ______ to be noticed. Instead we can _____.”
“Do you feel like you need to be noticed all the time?”
“Do/Did you feel ignored if/when _____?”
“Do you do certain things because you think it will get our attention?”
“Do you feel upset when we’re busy with _____?”
Good ways to begin
“We love spending time with you, but it’s also important for everyone to have their own time too.”
“You’re an important part of our family, even when we’re not able to give you our full attention.”
“Let’s find a good time where we can focus just on our time together.”
“Even if we’re busy, we care about you. We’re here for you when you need us.”
“If you need our attention, you can ask us. You don’t have to act out to get it.”
(Remember, these sentences are just guidelines. There is no such thing as the perfect script that fits everyone. Keep it short. Keep it simple. Listen first, then lead. All suggestions you give should be given with empathy, patience, and a genuine willingness to understand and help the child navigate their feelings. The goal is to help your child feel valued and loved while also setting boundaries around attention-seeking behavior. It’s important for children to understand that they are important and loved, even when their parents cannot devote all of their time and attention to them.)
2. Misguided Power
The child demonstrating misguided power needs to be given healthy choices and included in many more decisions. They need to be given more leadership opportunities and should be included in more conversations where bigger choices matter.
Good guiding questions:
“You seem upset when you can’t make decisions for yourself. How does that make you feel?”
“Do you feel like we don’t listen to your ideas or respect your choices? Can you tell me more about that?”
“When you’re unable to make your own decisions, how does that affect you?”
“How would you like us to respect your autonomy and decisions while still ensuring your safety and well-being?”
Good ways to begin
“Your opinions matter to us. We want to make sure that you feel like you have a say in things that affect you.”
“We believe in your ability to make good decisions. Let’s work together to make sure those decisions are also safe and beneficial for you.”
“Your independence is important to us. We want to support you in making your own choices, while still guiding you to make sure those choices are good for you.”
“We’re a team, and every team member’s opinion matters. We respect your autonomy and want to help you grow into an independent person.”
(Remember, these sentences are just guidelines. There is no such thing as the perfect script that fits everyone. Keep it short. Keep it simple. Listen first, then lead. All suggestions you give should be given with empathy, patience, and a genuine willingness to understand and help the child navigate their feelings. Remember, open communication and mutual respect is the key.)
Encourage Responsibility: Children with a drive for power often benefit from taking on age-appropriate responsibilities. This could be chores, taking care of a pet, or even helping out with younger siblings. These tasks not only give them a sense of control but also teach them about accountability and the impact of their actions.
Foster Problem-Solving Skills: Provide opportunities for your child to solve problems on their own. This could be figuring out how to fix a broken toy or finding a way to manage their homework. Guide them when needed, but allow them to lead the process. This can build confidence in their ability to handle situations, reducing their need to assert power inappropriately.
Promote Collaboration: Instead of imposing rules or decisions, try to involve your child in the process. For instance, when setting house rules or planning family activities, ask for their input. This not only makes them feel respected and heard but also teaches them about compromise and negotiation.
Acknowledge Their Efforts: Remember to praise your child for their positive efforts, especially when they handle power responsibly. This reinforcement encourages them to continue making positive choices.
3. Revenge
The child seeking revenge needs to experience forgiveness and understand that conflict is not the only way to belong. There are many ways to feel significant. There is a way to fix every broken thing. Encourage open communication about their feelings and frustrations. Be consistent and fair in addressing negative behaviors, ensuring they understand the consequences but also feel loved and valued.
Good guiding questions:
“Did something happen recently that upset you?”
“Do you feel like someone was unfair to you?”
“Is there anything you’re angry about that you’d like to talk about?”
“Are you upset with me or someone else?”
Good ways to begin
“I understand that you’re angry and that’s okay. Let’s find a better way to express your feelings.”
“Remember, we’re a team. We solve problems together.”
“Hurting others won’t make you feel better. Let’s think about what might help.”
“I know you’re upset now, but revenge isn’t the answer. Let’s talk it out and see how we can make things better.”
“We care about you and want to understand why you’re feeling this way. Let’s talk about what’s going on.”
“Just as you wouldn’t like being hurt, others don’t either. Let’s try to find a peaceful way to fix it.”
(Remember, these sentences are just guidelines. There is no such thing as the perfect script that fits everyone. Keep it short. Keep it simple. Listen first, then lead. All suggestions you give should be given with empathy, patience, and a genuine willingness to understand and help the child navigate their feelings.)
4. Assumed inadequacy
The child feeling inadequate needs support and encouragement to build confidence and a belief in their own capabilities. Sometimes, it is good to have blind faith in your child. It’s always good to support the effort they put into new and difficult activities. Praise all progress that they make, even if it is slow and small.
Sometimes, it is good to change your strategy and try something else. Try another teacher, try another philosophy. Some students respond better to more rules and strict structure. Some students respond better when they have more choices and creativity. Think closely about your child, choose and lead accordingly.
Good guiding questions:
1. “Do you feel like you’re not as good as your friends at certain things?”
2. “Is there something you’re struggling with that’s making you feel this way?”
3. “Do you feel like you always have to be perfect?”
4. “Are there times when you feel like you’re not enough?”
Good ways to begin
“Everyone learns at their own pace, and that’s perfectly okay. You’re doing a great job.”
“Remember, it’s okay to make mistakes. That’s how we learn and grow.”
Remind them of their previous success, progress, and wins. “Last week you couldn’t do _____. Now you can. Last year, you thought you could never do, have or be _____. Now you can. Now it’s much easier than before.”
“You are enough, just as you are. You don’t have to be perfect to be loved or to be successful.”
“We’re proud of you for trying and putting in the effort, no matter the outcome.”
“It’s okay if you’re finding this hard. Let’s work through it together.”
“You can do so much. You can do so much more. You can do more than you even think you can do. We believe in you.”
(Remember, these sentences are just guidelines. There is no such thing as the perfect script that fits everyone. Keep it short. Keep it simple. Listen first, then lead. All suggestions you give should be given with empathy, patience, and a genuine willingness to understand and help the child navigate their feelings. The goal is to boost the child’s confidence and reassure them that everyone faces challenges and struggles, and it’s completely normal and okay.)
In Review
To wrap up, there are many behavioral challenges that children might have. Every child is different and navigating each child’s unique perspectives can be one of the most interesting parts of teaching. Tools such as the Mistaken Goal Chart, derived from the extensive work of Dr. Jane Nelsen, provide us with a strong starting point to better understand and address these issues. The four mistaken goals - Undue Attention, Misguided Power, Revenge, and Assumed Inadequacy - are commonly found in children’s behavior, and understanding them allows us to steer our responses to more positive, nurturing paths. As adults, it is essential that we remain conscious of our own responses, ensuring we do not accidentally reinforce these negative patterns, but instead promote healthier alternatives.
Today, we went into many details that can help us understand many mistaken goals. We offered various strategies to help redirect children towards more positive behavior patterns. However, this is only the beginning. In future blog posts, we will go deeper into common misbehaviors and further explore more ways to encourage positive behavior. Remember, parenting and teaching are journeys filled with learning. We can always learn more. Let’s take these ideas, put them into practice, and embark on a journey towards fostering a more positive environment for our children. Nothing can solve all behavior problems overnight. But, with time, patience, and understanding; we can gradually and positively impact the lives of our children. Whatever the problem is, we will do whatever we can to help our children grow and thrive.
Note: As we delve into these topics, I encourage you to visit Jane Nelsen’s website where you can access the complete “Mistaken Goal Chart” and explore her wealth of knowledge in positive discipline.
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