In the history of parenting, two styles have been battling for supremacy for ages: the strict, no-nonsense style, and the lenient, all-pleasing style. As we delve into the magical world of parenting, we find ourselves in the kitchen, at breakfast time, with Johnny and his two hypothetical parents.
The Scene: Breakfast With Johnny
Johnny, an energetic 7-year-old boy with a heart full of curiosity, sits at the breakfast table. His stomach rumbles, anticipating the most important meal of the day. Now, enter our two characters, Johnny’s parents - both well-meaning, both wanting the best for Johnny, but approaching the situation from opposing corners of the parenting spectrum.
Strict Stephanie: No-Nonsense and All Rules
On one side, we have Strict Stephanie, an advocate of discipline and rules. In Stephanie’s world, children must behave, follow routines, and never question authority.
On a chilly winter morning, the kind that freezes your nose and your toes, Johnny, age 7, sat at the kitchen table. His tiny fingers wrapped around the warm mug of milk, the only source of warmth in the cold, stark kitchen. Stephanie, our ‘strictly by the rulebook’ parent, had prepared a bowl of piping hot oatmeal, nutritious and hearty, perfect for a cold day.
“Here you go, Johnny,” Stephanie announced, placing the bowl in front of him. Johnny pouted, looking at the oatmeal with an exaggerated grimace. “But Mom, oatmeal is so boring!” he protested, pushing the bowl away.
“It’s good for you, Johnny, especially on a chilly day like this,” Stephanie responded, ignoring his protest. But Johnny was not easily swayed, and his defiance grew stronger. “I don’t want it!” he insisted.
The Compromise
Stephanie sighed deeply and added a sprinkle of raisins to the oatmeal, hoping to help. She slid the bowl back toward Johnny. But Johnny, just pushed the bowl further away. “It’s still boring,” he said, crossing his arms.
Stephanie’s patience finally broke. Angered by Johnny’s continued refusal and perceived ingratitude, she gives him spanking and gives him a lecture that many have heard and few like.
“You should be grateful for what you have, Johnny,” Stephanie said, her voice stern and unyielding. “There are children in poorer countries who are starving. They would be more than happy to have this oatmeal.” With that, she sent him outside to play, without having eaten anything.
The Return
An hour later, the door creaked open and in walked Johnny, red-nosed and teary-eyed from the cold and hunger. Seeing his state, Stephanie gave him a single cracker - enough to tide him over until lunch but not enough to fill his belly.
Let’s reflect
After their tough morning, both Johnny and Stephanie are probably feeling bad. Stephanie, the mother, might be feeling tired and upset. She wanted to do the best for Johnny, but it ended in a big fight and Johnny didn’t eat. Johnny might be feeling sad and unsure. He didn’t like the oatmeal and it turned into a big problem. He ended up hungry and upset.
Johnny didn’t just complain about the oatmeal. The real problem was that he felt like his opinion didn’t matter. This can make a child feel bad and angry. They might not want to change their mind because they want to feel heard. This isn’t how we help children become leaders. Leaders need to be listened to, think for themselves, and make their own choices. When we ignore what a child thinks, even about small things like breakfast, we can make them want to rebel more.
Stephanie’s strict parenting might look like she has more power and control, but it needs a lot of effort and can be painful. By always trying to control her child, she has to keep checking Johnny’s actions and choices. She’s setting herself up to be constantly watching and policing her child’s actions and decisions. This doesn’t teach children how to make good decisions or fix their own problems. It can lead to a lot of fights and make it hard for everyone in the family.
The Unsustainable Path of Strict Parenting
Being a very strict parent can be tiring and stressful for parents and children. It can cause more fights than understanding. This isn’t good for the relationship between parents and children. Our goal as parents isn’t just to make our children listen to us. Our aim is not just to raise obedient children. We want to help them learn how to think for themselves, respect others, and make good decisions. It’s important to create a family where we can learn from our mistakes, not just get punished for them. Mistakes should be seen as opportunities to learn.
Now let’s see the opposite side of the problem.
Lenient Larry: All Smiles, No Boundaries
On the other side, we have Lenient Larry, a firm believer in ‘let kids be kids.’ His approach is all about smiles, hugs, and going with the flow. As Johnny walks into the kitchen, he starts by saying “Hey buddy, what are you feeling for breakfast today?” Larry starts, a big grin on his face.
Johnny looks around, thinking hard, and finally points to the refrigerator. “Eggs!” Johnny declares, looking excited.
“Alright, champ!” Larry replies, already getting out a pan. “How do you want them?”
“I want heart-shaped eggs!” Johnny demands.
Larry chuckles and gets to work. However, every time he slides the egg onto Johnny’s plate, the young boy’s face turns into a frown.
“No, no, no! It’s not right! That’s not a heart. That’s like a circle!” Johnny complains, pouting his lips.
Larry, always patient, tries again. One egg, two eggs, three eggs... soon there’s a pile of discarded eggs that Johnny deemed not heart-shaped enough. Larry’s starting to sweat, but he keeps trying.
At the 11th attempt, Johnny finally decides he’s had enough. He waves his hand, dismissing the eggs and Larry’s efforts. “No more eggs, Dad. I want chips!” he announces.
Larry, somewhat relieved, grabs a bag of potato chips from the cupboard. “Here you go, buddy,” he says, handing Johnny the bag. Johnny grins, crunching happily on the chips, and goes outside to play. Johnny feels happy he has trained his parent so well. Larry wipes his brow. “Crisis averted for today,” or so he thinks.
Let’s Reflect
Larry loves Johnny a lot. This is clear to anyone. But the way Larry parents can lead to a number of problems.
First, Larry is teaching Johnny that he can always get what he wants. No matter how strange his wishes are. But in real life, we often need to bend a little and work with other people. We can't always have what we want. Larry is teaching Johnny to ignore 'no'. This can lead to problems with teachers, friends, and other important people in Johnny's life.
Second, Larry's parenting style doesn't help Johnny learn to stick to a task and solve problems. If Johnny finds a task hard, like drawing a picture or building a block tower, will he keep trying or will he give up? Larry is teaching Johnny that if things don't go his way, he can quit and do something else. Johnny won’t learn to focus or persist when there are problems.
Third, there's the problem of healthy eating. When Larry gives Johnny chips for breakfast, he is letting Johnny eat unhealthy foods to avoid a fight. This might make Johnny happy for a while, but it doesn't help him in the long run. Good health is important.
Larry also risks wearing himself out by always trying to keep Johnny happy. He works hard to make eggs just right, only for Johnny to say 'no'. This style of parenting is tiring and can lead to Larry feeling upset. This is not good for him or for Johnny.
Most importantly, Larry is failing to lead. He has taken no ownership, no responsibility, no control in being a parent. He expects Johnny to know everything that’s right for himself. This is simply expecting far too much. Children, particularly younger ones, need structure and clear boundaries to feel secure and to develop a strong sense of self.
By not guiding Johnny in the right way, Johnny will actually feel the world is more chaotic and unpredictable. By giving him more control, Johnny will feel like he actually has less control and always needs more. Kids need some rules and clear lines to feel safe and to grow up strong. Children need to learn through making choices, and it's important to provide them with a set of good choices. Giving kids unlimited freedom leads to just as many problems that Strict Stephanie made, they’re just of a different kind of problems. Instead we could offer Johnny a choice oatmeal, scrambled eggs, and a third healthy option. Larry would be empowering Johnny to make a decision, while still maintaining control over the nutritional value of his breakfast.
Now let’s see a more balanced approach.
Balanced Ben
Finally, we meet Balanced Ben. Ben's approach to parenting is different from Stephanie's and Larry's. He believes in Positive Discipline. This means he is both kind and firm. He helps his kids and teaches them useful skills. Let's see how Ben handles breakfast.
It's a cool morning. Ben knows what Johnny needs. A breakfast that is warm and good for him. He calls Johnny into the kitchen.
"Good morning, Johnny! For breakfast, you can choose between oatmeal, scrambled eggs, or this healthy cereal with fruit. What would you like?"
Johnny thinks for a moment. Then he says, "I want Super Sugar Bombs."
Ben replies in a calm and firm voice, "Sorry, Johnny, we don't have that."
Johnny isn't happy. "But my friend Timmy gets Super Sugar Bombs every day!"
Ben stays calm. He speaks in a firm but gentle voice, "At Timmy's house, they can do things differently. But in our house, we choose healthy options."
Johnny is not yet convinced. He says, "But..."
Ben responds, "No, we are not going to do that. You can ask many times and in many different ways, but the answer is still no."
For most parents that’s the end of it. The child might huff but then make a good choice. But what if Johnny still isn’t finished? What if Johnny decides to throw a temper tantrum?
Johnny starts to cry and yell. But, Ben doesn't get upset or give in. He simply moves Johnny to a safe spot in the room. Johnny is free to express his feelings.
Once Johnny calms down, he's more likely to choose one of the healthy options Ben offered. And in the future, Johnny will be less likely to throw a tantrum. He will learn that behaving this way doesn't help him get what he wants.
In Summary
Parenting is not always easy. It is difficult for any parent to hear their child cry, but many times it is the right choice. Every child cries. I hope by now, you can see that the two mistaken paths in the beginning lead to more problems in the future.
Positive Discipline, in essence, is about striking a balance. It’s about setting clear expectations and boundaries while also encouraging independence and problem-solving skills. It’s about understanding your child’s needs and working with them, rather than against them.
In future blogs, I intend to teach you more good tips that will lead to happy relationships and strong leaders. With balance and positive discipline, parenting can be much more enjoyable and successful.
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